From the Valley

The past 2 weeks or so have been really quite rough for me. It all started with inexplicable insomnia. The not being able to sleep in turn made me feel anxious about going to bed later that night. I grew so weary of going to bed and tossing and turning until 4:30 am. And then of course it's hard not to feel depressed during the day, when I have to carry on as usual, put on my happy face and do my best to love others when I"m feeling so worn out. The beauty in all this is that I have been driven to my Creator's side in a way that I never really have before. I think some shallowness has been ripped from me, and it's hurt but that's a good thing. I'm finishing up some medication right now for all this, and we'll see what happens....this may not be over yet. Please pray for a Christ-like perseverance for me. In the midst of all this, I've cried out to Him in pain, asking "why!?" I've prayed to not leave this place the same person that I was when I arrived. I think this may be one way in which He is shaping and changing me....I just never knew it would be so hard. You see God in a new way when you are lying awake at night while the world around you is asleep. God is the only one there, He never relaxes concerning His presence with us. He never slumbers or sleeps. When you can't sleep, you have that desire for a friend near you to have the same problem, so you can talk and maybe you wouldn't feel so isolated, but God has been that friend to me. He's borne with my impatience and my cries of frustration.

Authenticity is a quality that I admire so much in others and one that I strive for in my life and the more I think about it, the more I realize that it really comes about through suffering hardships. Nothing is quite so beautiful as one who can say with tears in their eyes, in the middle of suffering, "The Lord gives, the Lord takes away. Blessed be the name of the Lord." Before all this happened I had been thinking how I truly want to never give the pat, cliche, "christian" answers to people who are hurting....or people in general for that matter. May God help us to see suffering for the good that it can bring out in us and the hope we can bring to others.